DOORMAN'S CATALOG OF CURSES

1. MAY ANGELS SING BEAUTIFUL MELODIES IN THE PRESENCE OF YOUR ADAMANTINE DEAFNESS.
2. MAY YOU NEVER LACK FOR A SPARE TIRE WHEN YOU ARE NECKLACED IN ZIMBABWE.
3. MAY YOU LIVE LONG AND PROSPER, EVER HUNGRY FOR THE MORE AND MORE THAT WILL MAKE LESS AND LESS OF YOU.
4. MAY YOU FIND THE PERFECT LOVER, AND BE PROSECUTED FOR BESTIALITY.
5. MAY YOU FIND YOU HAVE THE PAPERWORK FOR HEAVEN JUST AFTER THE BRASS GATES OF HELL CLOSE BEHIND YOU.
6. MAY YOU ALWAYS BE SMARTER THAN YOUR BOSS, WHO WILL EVER ASSUME YOU TO BE AN IDIOT.
7. MAY THE REALIZATION OF YOUR FONDEST HOPES AND DEEPEST PRAYERS BLESS YOU WITH AN UNDERSTANDING OF THEIR TRIVIALITY TO YOU AT THE MOMENT OF YOUR DEATH.
8. MAY YOU BECOME THE SEX IDOL OF YOUR DREAMS IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT OF YOUR ORIENTATION.
9. YOUR BOSS WILL DEVELOP A CRUSH ON YOU. SHE WILL BE OBESE, STINGY, AND VAIN.
10. IN YOUR AREA OF GENIUS YOU WILL DEVELOP A SMALL RABID CULT FOLLOWING. YOU WILL GROW TO HATE THEM AND YOURSELF IN EQUAL MEASURE.
11. WHEN YOU DISCOVER THE JOYS OF BOOZE, YOU WILL AWAKE TO FIND YOURSELF IN STRANGE PRISON CELL NEXT TO A POSSESSIVE, AMOROUS LOBSTER WITH A TALONIC FIXATION.
12. HAVE ETERNAL LIFE WITH ONLY YOURSELF AS COMPANY.