DOORMAN'S CATALOG OF CURSES

1. MAY YOUR BELOVED DAUGHTER EMBRACE SATAN, AND BE THE FIRST HUMAN EVER TO GO BROKE DOING SO.
2. MAY YOU NEVER FORGET YOUR UMBRELLA AT HOME, SINCE YOU CANNOT EXTRACT IT FROM YOUR COLON
3. MAY YOU LIVE LONG AND PROSPER. MAY EACH OF YOUR URINATIONS GROW EVER EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL. AS YOU PRAY FOR DEATH, MAY YOU LIVE LONG AND PROSPER.
4. MAY YOU MARRY THE PERFECT LOVER TWO HOURS BEFORE BECOMING A QUADRIPLEGIC.
5. LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO SEE GRANDCHILDREN TO ADULTHOOD. HAVE GRANDCHILDREN SMART ENOUGH TO TORTURE YOU TO DEATH TO COLLECT YOUR MONEY.
6. MAY YOU ALWAYS BE SMARTER THAN YOUR BOSS. LET YOUR BOSS MAKE YOU DO EVER STUPIDER AND MORE MEANINGLESS TASKS.
7. WHEN YOU MEET THAT PERFECT SON-IN-LAW MAY YOU MAKE MERRY INDEED. MIDST FESTIVITY, DISGUST HIM BY MAKING A DRUNKEN PASS.
8. MAY YOU HAVE THE GIFT OF TONGUES, BUT ONLY KNOW INSULTS.
9. YOUR BOSS WILL DEVELOP A CRUSH ON YOU. HE WILL BE OBESE, STINGY, AND VAIN.
10. IN YOUR AREA OF GENIUS YOU WILL DEVELOP A SMALL RABID CULT FOLLOWING. MAY IT EVER STAY THAT WAY.
11. WHEN YOU DISCOVER THE JOYS OF BOOZE, YOU WILL AWAKE TO FIND YOURSELF IN STRANGE BED NEXT TO A POSSESSIVE, AMOROUS PIT BULL WITH AN ORAL FIXATION.
12. HAVE ETERNAL LIFE WITH ONLY YOURSELF AS COMPANY.